I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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