Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
