When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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