i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
