we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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