I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
