By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
