my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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