My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
