If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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