i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
