i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
