i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
