You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
