my being single is dangerous.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
two words...techno handjob
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
