she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
