Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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