Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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