FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
