I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize