On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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