Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize