i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
