I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
