turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
