my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
