Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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