You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
