if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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