he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
