I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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