When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
