I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
