I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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