3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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