Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
