you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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