I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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