sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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