It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
