considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the raccoons are back...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize