So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
