My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
