Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My ass is underappreciated
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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