Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
