Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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