i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
