My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
