I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
