i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize