I just cut my nipple shaving
I wanna passion pit in your ass
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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