WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
