I looked at my own cervix.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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