oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
