I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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