1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
