On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
