phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
